


What Could Have Been

by mvtthewmurdvck



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Lost Love, Love Confessions, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:26:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16884747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mvtthewmurdvck/pseuds/mvtthewmurdvck
Summary: Old love is never lost.





	What Could Have Been

Ray Nadeem  _loved_  his wife.

She was supportive, full of kindness, and gave him the greatest gift—his son. They met one autumn afternoon, the sun shining, and Seema’s eyes catching his across a family party. If Ray could ever believe in love again so quickly, he would believe it was love at first sight.

Seema wasn’t the first woman to steal Rahul ‘Ray’ Nadeem’s heart; she wasn’t the first person to steal his heart, capture his voice and take his breath. But he barely thought of her, trying to place all his feelings, and ill-feelings, in a vault inside of him he never opened. Seema knew nothing of this woman, or the few wounds she had left him with. No friends or family were ever aware Ray had ever had the chance to fall for someone else.

He was at work, his brain frazzled from an early morning with Sami, and his eyes heavy as he tried to take in the information on the latest case he had been assigned. He knew it like the back of his hand, but this morning Ray felt like everything he heard was new information. He shot Hattley a look on occasion, ensuring he was ‘seen’ to be paying attention, and then the door of the conference room opened.

At first, it took him a second. His brain was unable to register the h/c haired person who stole his heart all those years ago, when he had been young and fresh out of the academy. When Ray hadn’t  _been_  a husband or a father and had just been entered into the FBI.

“Ah, Agent Y/N L/N,” Tammy welcomed, standing up to greet her as Y/N stepped in and the eyes of the room looked her over.

Some knew her, transfers from other branches. It had been hard, on occasion, hearing her name in passing on large cases that spread across the country, but he hadn’t seen her. Not since she had made the decision to leave for good.

Her eyes traced across the room, a soft smile placed on her lips—time had not dampened that, at least. There was an array of memories that hit Ray as he laid his hand flat on the desk, watching as she walked over to greet Hattley.

Y/N hadn’t changed much. Even time had barely touched her, but he tried not to look at her—fearful of what would happen if their eyes met.  _Would the past come to take him? Would the future become buried under unresolved feelings and youthful desire?_

“Agent L/N is here from another branch; she’s here for a few days to help us with the LA drug gang. She’s worked closely on the case at her branch and offered to help us catch the last known member at large,” Tammy Hattley announced, admiring the woman beside her with more admiration that the Special Agent in Charge usually did. “We only have her for a few days.”

Ray knew why Hattley looked at her with so much admiration.

He had known Y/N when she had been in the academy. Fierce, intolerable of those who looked down on her, and far stronger than she appeared. He couldn’t be sure, but knowing who Y/N was, he wouldn’t be surprised if she was in a higher position than himself. She had been known not to take prisoners.

Hattley eyes moved around the room, finding his. “Agent Nadeem, since the case is under  _you_ , you’ll be partnered with Agent L/N.”

Ray should have seen that coming sooner.

oOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOo

* * *

You knew there had been a chance Rahul would still be here, in the city—your city. It had been a risk you were willing to take when the case was given to you, the previous agent finding no luck. It had also been a chance that would come knocking; eventually, you both worked for the FBI, and, if you were honest, the time had come to stop running from ghosts.

He hadn’t spoken even as you followed him outside of the conference room, his desk a short distance, a chair already beside—you assumed it was placed there for you. Gripping your coat, you licked your lips, not wanting the first word—not wanting to taint any more of what the two of you once had.

It didn’t appear he had changed much. His hair was still a glorious deep brown, still styled like something from a Disney film. You could remember all the taunts you had come up, the various names you would call him,  _Prince Charming, Prince Phillip_ , and your favourite,  _Prince Naveen_ you cleverly adopted to Prince  _Nadeem_. He had  _hated_  it, but you had hated his messy desk, and as your eyes wandered over his, you saw very little had changed.

“I brought some of the notes that I’ve made, but a lot have been scanned into the system so we should be able to access them.” Work talk could never rub anyone up the wrong way; professionalism was something everyone appreciated. You had to work together; there was no getting around it. “I don’t think a city-wide search, posters, all of the usual things will work—”

“ _Y/N_ ,” he whispered, barely a sound as his brown eyes looked up at you, purposefully flashing his wedding ring as he sat down at his desk. “Do you want to take a seat?”

Not wanting to react to the sound of your name, especially when it was said so softly, and from his lips of all people. Your back straightened as your face tensed, and slowly you lowered yourself into the chair beside his desk. You noticed a photo frame purposefully pointed in your direction, a boy and a woman, both smiling.

You had expected him to find someone else—of course, you did. It still stung. What could have been was staring you directly in the face.

Swallowing, you crossed your leg over the other, lying your coat over your knee. “I’m  _here_  for work, Rahul. Not to take back words I  _don’t_  regret, so Agent L/N will do.”

He seemed to nod, briefly, but enough for you to notice as he reached for a pile of paperwork. “I think this is all the information we have on the case,” he began, not noticing the water building in her eyes. “I don’t think it will take long between us to get this guy.  _Agent L/N_.”

“Me neither,” you said in a pained whisper, hating the bitterness he had when he said your name.

oOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOo

* * *

Y/N was still a menace with a computer. Within a few hours, and a few coffees in her system, she was fired up and applying tracing devices to help pinpoint the perp’s footsteps. He had never been as good as her with a computer; his skills lay more in interpersonal and language, something that had once impressed her.

Nothing seemed to impress her now; she seemed colder, more closed off than Y/N had been even before. Ray had expected her to soften at some point, but as each hour passed, and she continued to fight sleep, he found she didn’t.

He had called Seema earlier, informing it would be a late one and he’d be home soon. Ray knew he could have gone home, but a part of him wanted to face the music and be around Y/N—he wanted to see if any explanation would be offered and if he’d be allowed some closure.

Ray had never told his family much about Y/N, she was a closely guarded secret—he knew she had liked it that way. She was the small pleasure in his life, when everything else seemed to become harder or more strained. His parents were aging, their annoyed demands for a grandchild and him to marry; his career that had seemingly just began, and the hours—the crippling hours.

She was the light in the dark on some of those days. Probably even a lot of them.

“I think he’ll resurface at night,” Y/N said suddenly, her eyes fixed on the computer in front of her. “It’s his M.O. night time hustles— _criminals_  really need to stop being so  _cliché_.”

“You sound almost as if you want them to  _start_  thinking,” Ray teased, and the laugh that passed her lips opened up something within him he thought had died.

It rose in him, a private piece of his soul that rejoiced at being freed. It was a part of him he had locked up, scarred with pain and tarnished with anger—it had been safer to lock it away. It had been wiser to forget it existed.

Y/N let her eyes meet his, a shared look he couldn’t quite read. “Still a funny man, ay, Nadeem.”

“You know me, rather people laugh with me than at me.”

Her head shook as he grinned. “ _No one_  laughed at you then, and I doubt anyone laughs at you now. You’re Rahul Nadeem—you’ve always been great, even when you didn’t think so yourself.”

oOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOo

* * *

The case—as to be expected—was over before it began. You had the small chance to watch Rahul work again, and observe him, some things coming back, drowning you in memories. The case had been so close to being built, you hadn’t known the real need for you to be flown out to New York. You had just gone with the flow, hoping for a chance to make sure he was happy.

That was all you had ever really wanted.

Him to smile from ear-to-ear, even if it wasn’t you who put it there.

You had originally been annoyed that the suspect had decided a holiday had been in order, and his destination had been the only place you hadn’t wanted to go too. It had taken a few drinks and bad mistakes for you to rise up and accept the fact you would have to face him.  It had taken time, of course, but you had built a life for yourself in Los Angeles. You were well respected, a handful of friends and an array of opportunities when the time allowed. New York, and it’s ghosts, had been the last place you wanted to visit—especially when you had left so much behind. Coming back felt like the undoing of that, all the work would be washed down the drain, and you knew you’d have to start again.

Getting over him the first time had been hard, the second didn’t seem like it would be much easier.

You managed to box it up, move it to the side just for the case, even if the proximity to the very person you had left behind was almost ridiculous. The weather had thwarted you and your chances at moving from him, the rain in particular, had been a recipe for disaster, especially when you were told to remain in the car with Rahul. You had half expected the car to go up in flames with the amount of tension that evening, the hammering of heartbreak hitting every part of the vehicle, as though the city cried for what the two of you once had.

No time seemed the right time to tell him why you took the job. Why you ran from him and what could have been. Especially when you knew he was happy, and hearing your over-a-decade long confession would only hurt him. Plus, it sounded ridiculous to admit the reason you left was because you were scared. It was the same reason the two of you had kept your relationship so secretive.

Ray had always thought it was because of what the others would think, but in reality, you were fearful if it got out, it would ruin everything. The bubble you both lived in would be popped, and you would be exposed—and the pain your eventual, and likely, breakup would cause.

“When do you have to go back?”

You sighed, rubbing your folded arms as he filed the paperwork into the evidence box. “Tonight. Hattley sorted me a flight out quicker than I expected.”

“Bet you’ll be  _glad_  to be home,” Ray said with an emptiness to his voice.

You nodded, finding words catching in your throat. “Y-Yeah. It’ll be nice.”

oOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOo

* * *

Like most things, it didn’t take long between the two of you to organise the case files. All the evidence neatly organised, stacked and ready for processing. You’d usually feel relief and a sense of achievement, but the swirling emptiness of regrets continued to burn deep within you.

It was why you took the first chance of escape when offered, some of the other agents inviting you to eat pizza with them in the break room. They were harmless, soft and funny men who had a thousand questions about the branch on the other side. It didn’t matter than in the last two days you had ruined the grass is greener theory they had. They still had more questions.

“I’m not really one for sticking around rain, I prefer sunshine,” Y/N replied, her fingers pulling at the plastic around the water bottle. “I grew up here, but… home is the other side of the country now, and… this visit was always a fleeting one.”

The agent mumbled something as he tried to chew, and Ray found himself warming as she laughed.

The Agent swallowed his crust, shooting her a look before asking, “You like your team back in LA?”

Y/N smiled to herself, and Ray watched her as her eyes twinkled briefly. “They’re a good bunch, yes. They make the painful hours seem a bit less sometimes.” She let the bottle go, placing her hands flat on the table. “But, they’re family—they put up with me and my frosty self.”

Ray wanted to snort, but refrained.

“Did you know Ray before?”

It was a question he dreaded, not wanting any part of the truth to resurface. Yes, and we dated, and I would have killed for her, but she left. She left me. She left the city. He looked up, shouting the words at her with his eyes as she took a deep breath.

“We were in the academy together and thankfully got posted to the same branch,” Y/N replied carefully. “I had a lot to prove, but thankfully, I never felt the need with Ray. Even if I was a guarded person, he always seemed to have a lot of heart.”

“Well, you could always be a bit heartless. Someone  _needed_  to have some compassion.”

The smile became a ghost on her face, her eyes slowly hardening as she focused on him, and the others around them went silent. It was meant to be playful, but old bitterness seemed to have latched to his words, taunting them and making them ugly as they met her ears. The fact she said nothing immediately, was a concern, but he tried to remain calm.

In the academy, Y/N had been quick-witted, keeping most of the women, and men—if not all—on their toes. She was fast at deducing, a brilliant decision maker, and someone with a target so precise Ray had wondered if the gun had become apart of her.

Her fingers tapped on the table, one tap, two tap, three and four. “Well, Agent Nadeem, sometimes you can be a bit of an  _asshole_ , but… who’s really keeping  _score_?”

The sound of her chair legs being pushed back screeched, the sound slicing through him as he followed her glare as she stood. He didn’t break from her eyes, not that she would allow him too, until she had left the room.

She  _was_  leaving.

She was  _leaving_  tonight.

Ray knew he couldn’t leave things, not like that. He dropped his chin, taking a deep breath as he felt the room become even tenser, the few eyes remaining all darting daggers into his chest.

“You two old friends then?” One of the others asked, and Ray rolled his eyes before standing up, kicking his chair back. “What? I feel like I’ve missed something.” The other agent muttered, but Ray was already deep in thought.

In the matter of a few days in her company, Ray had already resorted back to the same wounded idiot he had been before she left the first time. But this time, Ray knew where to go to find her—the one place she would run too for space and peace.

This time Ray wasted no time in delay, his feet hurrying after her, a fire building in his chest, one he wanted to expel and rid himself of.

oOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOo

* * *

Ray paused on the other side of the door, not wanting to meet the cold air on the other side, or the woman who stood in it. It felt like the last time, the city hammering them with the worst weather as the two of them crumbled to nothing—her anger and fears swirling between them, pushing them further apart.

She would be leaving, again, and even though he had kept himself at a distance, he felt the old wounds opening as if it was all those years ago again. Y/N deserved an answer, a closing chapter in the section of their book. Ray knew the reason he occasionally thought of her was because of that, because they never got to end things in a way that was deemed healthy.

If he didn’t go out there, he’d be making the same mistake all over again. The dishonesty, and regret, would build in his chest, making him a little more hollow than he liked. Ray knew he had to face her; he needed to put right what had gone wrong.

“You know only superheroes hang out on rooftops,” he announced as he stepped out onto the roof, the cool New York air blowing his jacket behind him.

She didn’t turn, her eyes not meeting his. Instead, her e/c eyes focused on the city lights as her hair whipped around her neck and shoulders. He stepped out, the heels of his shoes sounding far louder on the stone than it did on the marble inside—Ray’s heart pounding in his ears.

“Look, Y/N, before you go—“

“I  _did_  love you, Ray. Think whatever you want about me being heartless, but I did love you—and I think, even when you’re an  _asshole_ , apart of me still  _does_.” 

Her words danced over him, cutting him short and flooring him. Her eyes looked over her shoulder at him, a pink hue to her cheeks.

“But I don’t regret leaving,” Y/N added, turning slowly to face him. “I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be, and… even if your  _situation_  was different, I don’t think I could be now. It isn’t…me. It isn’t who  _I am_ —and I  _refuse_  to change for a man, for anyone. I am not meant to be loved, Rahul.”

His chest tightened, struggling to take air in as his fingers clenched into his palm.

“God… you were _my everything_ , do you know how scary that is— _was_? To leave and have nothing?”

Y/N brushed her hair behind her ears, and suddenly he was transported back in time. Her stood in that tight black dress, the necklace he bought her hanging from her neck as her face turned stony. I don’t want to get married, Rahul. That isn’t who I am.

Ray bit the inside of his cheek, burying old memories deep down inside of him.

“Giving you up was the  _hardest_  thing I have ever done, but, even if everyday I briefly think about what we could have been, I don’t regret taking that job,” she added with a seriousness painted across her face. “And deep down, even though you’re looking at me with the same look you did all those years ago, I don’t think you would change my decision either.”

His teeth released the inside of his cheek, tasting blood and regret. “I  _wish_  I had gone to the airport.”

Y/N’s eyes softened, and he nodded.

“I wish I had ran across departures, grabbed you by the shoulders and told you that you were my everything. That I appreciated you. That I loved you.” Ray ran a hand over his face, and he watched as your eyes sparkled with oncoming tears. “And I wish I had asked you to be with me  _for the rest of my life_ , because… deep down, Y/N, I don’t think you would have said no. I think—“

Her head began to shake, her hair blowing all around her. “— _Ray_ —“

“—because I  _think_  you were scared,” Ray added with a firm tone, the rest of her protests lost to the wind. “I think you would have married me; I think you would have become apart of ‘ _my world_ ’ with ease.” He stepped closer, watching as a tear fell down her cheek. “I think you would have loved every second of being my wife, Y/N.”

She dropped her head, tears falling off the end of her nose as her shoulders began to shake.

“I  _love_  my wife, Y/N. I love her, so, so much. I love my son, and my family…”

Ray looked out across the city, the dancing lights off the taxi’s and the buildings. Her hand rose to wipe her nose, bringing his focus back to her, a sniffle cutting through him as he fought to reach out and comfort her.

“Are you happy, Rahul?”

The corners of his lips rose, and he let out a laugh. “Yeah. I’m happy.”

She looked up, her lips spread into a mirrored smile. “Then I’m glad I left. All I ever wanted is for you to be happy, I got my wish.” Ray nodded, and he watched as she lifted her head before wiping at her cheeks, dabbing her skin. “The rest of this… it doesn’t matter. My taxi will be here soon and I’ll be in my city before long and I’ll be a distant memory you wish to purge.”

“Is that what you wish you could do…purge me from your memories?” Her face looked pained, and her answer was evident: no, she wouldn’t. “I’ll walk you down, Y/N.”

A silence fell over them, neither of them moving as they continued to stare, taking the other one in. There was so much he wanted to say—and some things he hated himself for feeling.

“She’s lucky to have you,  _Prince Nadeem_ ,” Y/N whispered, and he instinctively moved closer, wrapping his arms around her. “You’re the best there ever was, the one who slayed dragons and his hair  _never_  moved.”

Ray’s lips found her forehead, feeling her tighten the hug as he finally let the anchor in his chest go—the pain he had held for years, fading to nothing.

He cleared his throat, feeling her attempt to move as he slowly released his hold on her. “You’ll always be the princess I would have climbed towers for.” Her eyes looked up at him, and for a second he felt like it was just the two of them. No city. No responsibilities. “Take care, Y/N.”

His arms fell from her as she brushed her hair behind her ear once more, his feet carrying him to the rooftop door.

“I will do, Ray. It was  _really_  lovely to see you again.”

He sighed, because deep down he didn’t want to let her go. But he had too. Even if it hurt. “You too, Y/N.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is an archived piece originally posted on the tumblr, [mvtthewmurdvck](https://mvtthewmurdvck.tumblr.com/).


End file.
